from the little-known HPFV Version (i.e., the Hexabarger Paraphrase of a Few Verses). This is in honor of the Halloween Bible Burning at the Amazing Grace Baptist Church: we were rather hoping the volume, from which this little section is taken, will be part of the assortment given such an Elijah send-off.
Psalm XLIX (LXX), 7-15: the Red Song of Asaph
7 Hear, O My people and I will speak to you.
And I will speak in such a way
that will blow your self-esteem, O you the new Israel.
I am the real God, even the God of you,
whether you know it or acknowledge it,
or -- more likely -- not.
8 I will not criticize you for a lack of praise music and tambourine celebrations,
or for any deficiency of money, or tithes, or dues, or pledge, or sacrificial giving
(whatever that is).
Your offerings are always before Me.
You are on TV, on radio (down by the classical music and fuzzing it up),
you are all over the internet, and
(I bet you’re not ready for this)
you’ve given quite enough money.
9 I will take not a single tithe from your checkbook,
nor a monthly pledge from your American Express.
10 For all the money, the stocks, the derivatives,
all the secretly obfuscated treasury that the high-financiers
think I do not see …
For all of Wall Street is Mine, and so are the value of a thousand exchanges
and all the oil and gold and diamonds are Mine,
11 I know everything the internet and technology and science will do
Beauty, and the Good, is with Me:
you do not invent it.
12 If I need money to fund a mission,
to feed My hungry poor,
to put a roof over the head of My shivering saints,
to heal the sicknesses of My earthly Body,
I will not ask you.
Rest assured, your checkbook is safe from Me,
for I will not ply you with commercials that make you cry,
O you the new Israel that must have programs
to cajole you to just be nice and share.
13 Do you really think I have a budget, a balance sheet,
that I ever reckon in the red?
Keep your money if it means so much to you,
that you are so careful with,
more careful with molech’s droppings
than with the stewardship of hearts.
14 Offer unto God a sacrifice of kenosis,
and pay thy vows in theosis,
and get yourself into divinity.
Then, when you finally see yourself poor, and meek,
and lowly, and on the margins of the dark city history,
then come see Me:
and then I will save you,
because I save only the poor --
they who are poor enough and have room enough