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Cathouse replacement of the New Testament and the new grammar imperative

This just in:

The Catastrophic Commission on Liturgical Renewal and Linguistic Reparation has approved, with the able assistance of the gents at the EU, the following replacement of the Book of the Acts of the Apostles.

The development of the productive forces brought about by the ever more scientific and socially open sensitivity to solidarity has prepared the way for a new revised plan of action for closer union with faith communities, whose launch is an imperative necessity.*

Please remove the current text that occupies the current place in the looseleaf "(un)Repaired 'ur'-(t)ext" (i.e., "Acts" (sic, as "act" is a non-gender-neutral term)), and replace it with the aforesaid text.

The New Grammar Imperative

The Catastrophic Commission draws attention to the advantages of the new, replacement text over the old patriarchal text, which is suspected of latent racism, xenophobia, and refusal to enter into solidarity with the metropolitan project. The textual advantages, which should be adopted as the new grammar imperative, are as follows:

  1. the use of nominalizations instead of direct verbs (e.g., "development" instead of "to develop")
  2. the lack of indexicals or identifiers (e.g., the elimination of "I," "we," "here" and "now")
  3. the utilization of sophisticated comparisons rather than concrete reference (e.g., "ever more scientific and socially open")
  4. the complexification (i.e., "hiding") of all concrete action within the ambiguity of the passive voice (e.g., "brought about by")
  5. the rendering of tone into an imperative (e.g., the launch is an "imperative necessity")
  6. the addressing of the passage (i.e., "narrative") to no one in particular, and therefore to everyone in general

Wherever this grammar is used, especially in religious circles, the work of the Catastrophic Commission is advanced!

(wild applause of littered paws)

Additional note from the Liturgical Music/Powerpoint Committee: the use of liturgical dance and cymbals is strongly encouraged to ritually frame this text.

*freely adapted from a European Union text, analyzed by Françoise Thom in La langue de bois, as cited in Scruton's Political Philosophy.

Cathouse replacement of the Pentateuch

This just in:

The Catastrophic Commission on Liturgical Renewal and Linguistic Reparation has approved, with the able assistance of the gents at the Jesus Seminar, the following replacement of the Book of Genesis.

The rememoration of the 'present' as space is the possibility of the utopian imperative of no-(particular)-place, the metropolitan project that can supplement the post-colonial attempt at the impossible cathexis of place-bound history as the lost time of the spectator.*

Please cut out the current text that occupies the first book of the "(un)Repaired 'ur'-(t)ext" (i.e., "Genesis" (sic)), and replace it with the aforesaid text.

Note from the Liturgical Music/Powerpoint Committee: it is suggested that the tone setting for liturgical chant should be "Bridge Over Troubled Waters."

*from 'Psychoanalysis in Left Field and Fieldworking: Examples to Fit the Title,' by Gayatri Chakravorty Spivak, as cited in the inestimable A Political Philosophy, by Roger Scruton.

Announcement: Convention December 27-30

The Meowist Language Association announces that its 2007 Convention will be held December 27-30.

Expect the usual exceptional offering of general sessions, special sessions, and theoretical sessions, constructivist and deconstructivist sessions, Paul de Man sessions, feminist and post-feminist sessions, queer theory and pre-queer theory sessions, and, new this year, even "Christian" special interest sessions (e.g., CCL). Also, assistance for non-tenure-track and unemployed faculty members is available.

Along with all of that, there will be a special presentation of the Feline Unpatriarchal Bestowal of Artistic Recognition, otherwise known, affectionately, as the Modern Art Cats' Trophy. Serrano is a front runner for the nod, but Manzoni and Basquiat are lobbying for the coveted award, despite some minor limitations at present.

In the interest of public relations, and avoiding some pre-convention ambiguity experienced in previous years, it has been decided to not publicize the list of the hundreds of subjects presented, which can range anywhere from romance literature (sic) to Shakespeare (whether he wants talked about by us or not).

The Convention will be held in the world-renown Gobbler Motel and Supper Club in Wisconsin -- the same place that housed the planning and kickoff of the hyper-modern movement -- well, "postmodern" for the intellectuals, kitsch for the pedestrians.

Please reserve your room quickly at this first-class, 5-star establishment. Don't miss this opportunity to stay in purple-carpeted rooms (floor and walls). Be sure to check out the very room where video games were invented.

Concatenation

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

But the cats didn’t like this, as this was too patriarchal for their tastes. So they arranged a Conference, and held long Committee meetings, and heard numerous Consultations and the reports of Commissions, and engaged in some serious Creative writing, couched in the first person plural but (rather not like the Divinity) invariably framed in the passive voice.

So the cats, conferring and consulting, and creatively commissioning, said:

As it has come to our attention that there is a frequently experienced phenomenon known as (but not limited to, as there are other understandings) “existence” or “life,”* we hereby affirm our commitment to our firmly-held conviction that this condition either has always been as we have experienced it, or it has developed over time and in different understandings (all of which are of equal incredibly unique and important value**) to become, incrementally and in seamless transition, what we have been in the here and now.

We courageously affirm the importance of our conviction that the embracing of this metanarrative, this understanding of understandings, has enabled us to experience richly the possibilities of “community-based ontologies” – that is, sociologically-conditioned theories of reality – rather than the outmoded and limited prejudicial theories (i.e., of only one “reality” and one “time”) that have produced regrettable notions of “rightness” and “wrongness.”

We are excited about the infinitely-varied and wide range of possibilities that have become available to our communal and individual consciousness. As together, in a community of freely-inclusive and self-committed individuals, we affirm a “phenomenal consensus,” and in that affirmation we have experienced a richer range of evaluative alternatives that can generate more effective affirmations of lifestyle choices (by re-framing them as extensions of individual psychologies and inevitabilities), we embrace the mandate of electing an ethic for every possible endeavor. We revel in the tapestry of multifaceted ethics, in which each one articulates a new narrative of consciousness, liberation, commitment and free decision-making.

We value and greatly respect the treasuries of past understandings, and freely and inclusively embrace the legacies of sectarian traditions, each of which apprehended its own particular affirmations of totality. We, however, have sought a more affirmative and wider understanding of the present and the future. We believe that it is more effective to model our own experience upon our convictions, rather than “react” to paternalistic possibilities of “creation.” These negative possibilities inflict an undue burden upon the potentialities of future narratives, and restrict the range of future decision-making. This paternalistic pattern has even gone so far as to consign some valid potentialities or choices to the biased and hate-speeched modalities of “wrongness” and “sin.”

We reject these stereotypes that stem from obsolete ethical theories, and we gratefully remind ourselves that we have been privileged to reframe the ethical enterprise into a consensus-based, democratically-conditioned endeavor. We have benefited from the new, hopeful possibilities – an “eschatological narrative of hope” – of the enjoyment of “committee” over the confining prejudices of “creator-ism,” “truth/goodness-ism,” and “morality-ism.” Now that we have identified the implicit narratives of liberation and consciousness underlying the God-myth of more provincial traditions, we have courageously accepted the responsibility of defining our future by the identification and extrapolation of our psychologies and sociology. By this, we have transitioned the outmoded theories of “metaphysics” into more scientifically-acceptable tasks of cost-benefit analyses, management-by-objectives, and economic mobility.

But despite all this, God said “Let there be light”; and there was light, despite the concatenation of feline opinion. He said there is truth, despite the catastrophic, felonious multiplicity of theological ("all philosophy is theology"***) theories and ethical pronouncements. He said there is living water in one place, in spirit and in truth, despite the denominational, "narrative" impulse of cats.

And He said, of His Creation, that it was good.

But for cats there is no creation, only narrative, only ethics, and ontology by committee.

And that, even for a cat, is not too good.


* Cats love scare-quotes, as they cannot call anything anything: they can only "so-call"

** Only cat prose can come up with something like the abominable phrase "important value"

***This is true, and doubting it is the beginning of felinism

The Canine Rebuttal of Einstein

Generally speaking, Cats, specifically, are really into relativity.

They count on the reversibility of every perspective. In their worldview, which is the only world (not view) there is, it is just as feasible that the earth moves under the automobile, as it is that the automobile moves on the earth.

My rather mod-ish cat, Ms. Novus Ordo, who is up on things, held forth to my Yorkie Oliver about this the other day. He thought for a while. Then he growled:

"That might work, rolling the earth under one car. But it won't under two cars at once, let alone under a single traffic jam."

"Relativity works only in a subjective universe," he continued. "It's just like a cat to come up with something like that."

A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Ford Prefect Trilogy, Parts 1 through 42

Fordprefectgoodbye Breathe a sigh of ruddy relief, gents, Ford Prefect's finished with his remarks. It's probably a good idea to begin at, well, the beginning and work your way through to the end. Here's a handy table of contents:

The Introduction, in which Ford Prefect makes his debut on the religious blog scene.

Part One, First Message, in which Ford calls us to love our neighborhood Muslim, and not mistake them for the Vogons.

Then Part Two, the Second Message, in which Ford reveals the real identity of the Golgafrinchams, and how orthodoxy is a tad awkward apart from the Great Big O.

The worst poetry of all time (hypertensive literateurs beware, this post may hurt you) is posted in Part Three, the Third Message, Sub-section A. Liberal christianity is compared, in a complimentary (or complementary?) fashion, to dead swans and green putty.

Just in case they felt left out, the followers of Albrecht Ritschl are celebrated in Ford's extended diatribe on liberal christianity in Part Four, the Third Message, Sub-section B.

Ford coins a new word, "Schleiermacherian Azgothian," in his screed on those happy-go-lucky crypto-liberals, the megachurcherians, in Part Five, the Third Message, Sub-section C.

In a surprise move, and very discourteously and distastefully unprefaced in his introductory remarks, the correspondent for the Guide intones an oracle on everyone's favorite religious theme, the Ecumenical Movement, in Part Six of the Trilogy, the Fourth Message.

A very nasty-looking sharp-shooting assassin is revealed in the Fifth Message (Part Seven), in which Mr. Prefect discusses the improprieties of scientists doing metaphysics. He also raises the disturbing issue of just who is in the maze, and just who is being amazed, and about mice who are not so very nice.

Finally, in Part 42, the Sixth Message by Nine, Ford Prefect gives his adieu, but not before revealing the biggest apologetic obstacle of all time: what's harder to believe? The existence of God? Or the phrase, "Jesus Saves"?

Ford Prefect Speaks, Trilogy Part 42 (and Done)

Sixth Message by Nine

Ford_dent_and_zaphod Do you have any idea what the question was that made Deep Thought answer, after aeons, with the ludicrous number forty-two?

Recall that the number was generated to pose the meaning of life, the universe and everything. And in one of the last episodes of the secular Guide, the question, in a vision, was put on a Scrabble board: "What do you get if you multiply six by nine?"

And you, silly, thought it was fifty-four? But don't you see? If the answer was already given, then it couldn't be fifty-four. If the answer was forty-two, and the question is six by nine, then the meaning of the whole thing is not the equation itself, isn't it? When did you start thinking that the answer would come down on the right-hand side of the equation? An equation (remember?) demonstrates only an equivalence, not a question and answer.

Didn't you suspect anything when a rather important question was put to a computer? By mice? Am I the only one who's whiffing something niffy here?

You seriously thought a creature -- rather, an artifact mind you -- could discern the reason underlying Creation? Or, to be more polite and correct, you really expected a transcendent response from a mathematical inquiry? You've read Bertrand, I'm sure, but you mean to tell me you still ignore Gödel -- who proved, as far as we green men can tell, that a mathematical system cannot refer, by itself, outside itself?

You may have noticed, even in the secular Guide, that I and Zarniwoop and the other editors weren't all that enthusiastic about the Deep Thought project. We had our own, more conservative and genial, tasks to perform. I happen to enjoy the charming and particular traditions of humans, and valued them all the more as they were slated to be leveled by Vogon civic planning -- an expressway known as the Galactic Nihilosurdway.

I like you, earthpeople, traditionalist that I am. And you should know something else:

I, Ford Prefect, am a theist. At least, I would like to be.

That is a harder thing to do than Pinocchio’s becoming a boy. I’m not real, for one thing. And another thing, it is even a longer stretch to become a real human from the status of a real thing, than it is to become a real thing from nothing.

You wouldn’t understand. You’ve grown up in a Universe completely surrounded by and penetrated with the Uncreated Light, the Energy of the Essence, the Incarnate Christological Grace of the Triune God. You can only imagine "not-God" (in a rather mentally ill idiom, I might add, the very fanciest of schizophrenias). You cannot ever, even in hell, experience real atheism.

I don’t get you, you silly skinflint angels. You know something by nature I cannot begin to pronounce, even in sub-lingual, pre-conscious thought. You know something at the base of your laughter, at the bedrock sense of your poetry, and at the profoundest warp and weave of your stories. You know it, tacitly, because you always have Jesus tapping your dexterous shoulder.

And you keep walking on, without turning around? I mean, here’s the joke of it all, and the joke’s on you, mate: here I am, a fiction, and while it's no skin off my nose if you take me for real or no, what I cannot ken for the life of me is that I can believe in the salvation of you, and you can’t.

What a curse you brought upon yourself! What pentagram did you scribe, and in what dark chamber? How did you go down to hear, and where did you draw near, that you heard before the lights went out, Vegna Medusa: sì’l farem di smalto!

Sorry, I, and all the wannabe believers in space, read Dante. It’s so affecting.

You don’t know it, but I would do anything to be able to pray. And so I came here, all this way, and I found not a house of prayer, but a den of thieves. Or a den of capitalists and wealth re-distributors. Same thing.

Here’s your problem, and it’s straight from someone who is a contributing editor to the secular Guide. And, I might add, from someone who knows how to keep clear of the Vogons.

Take it or leave it. It’s all the same to me.

The reason why you won’t believe in the old-fashioned God is because you can’t. You’ve been lobotomized.

You can’t believe in God, because you won’t believe that He would save you.

This seems clear to me, a silly little alien who traipses around the galaxy with a towel snapping you on the keister:

If you can believe that the God of the Universe would deign to save some skimpy one as you, then it shouldn’t be any trouble for you to believe the less difficult headbangers of an Eternal Triune God … or the Divine Person Who became Man … or the Virgin Birth (before, during and after, of course – if you believe before, than why scruple about after?) … or the Miracles of healing, walking on water, stilling the storm, calling putrefied friends out of a stinky tomb … or the suffering of God the Son on the Cross … or the physical Resurrection from the Dead, and the breaking of the hellish gates of brass, and the kicking of the enemy straight in the …?

Well, you get the point. You don’t disbelieve Christianity, or the One Apostolic Church because you’re too scientific. Heck, I’m an alien, and I’m a product of disbelief. I come from outer space, and I have Klaatu on my Blackberry. I know all about science. I’ve arrived from all your science fiction futures. I fancy that I am all your alternative histories, and all your Copenhagen dreams.

You disbelieve for one simple reason. You don’t believe in God simply because you can’t believe or won’t believe that that Someone would save someone like you. Or even touch you, or heal you. Or come into your house, or set up house in your heart.

I hope to God you find out soon what a smxtsppcfhkls you are. That, by the way, is my Betelgeusian-Hrung way of saying “Repent, the Vogons are coming.”

Or, better yet, the Kingdom is at hand. But only you could know that.

But what do I know? I do not speak of what I know. I speak, rather, of what I don’t but wish I could.

Thumbs up.

Hitchhikers_guide_logo_1

Ford Prefect Speaks, Trilogy Part Seven (Almost Done)

Fifth Message

Mousehunter A good scientist is a good ascetic. He speaks of what he knows. He is careful to re-define “what he knows” to “what he can demonstrate in repeatable and controlled conditions,” and to “what he can observe through a consensus of material percepts.”

There are many good things that have come out of this asceticism. When any phenomenon is carefully studied, one should expect very helpful and interesting discoveries. This is the nature of Creation. Wisdom is strewn liberally along the whole continuum of observation, from macrocosm to microcosm.

So even a confined and sharply proscribed vision of the scientific method, or empirical observation, can yield wondrous discoveries. Like the essential mathematical nature of electromagnetism, for example. The gravitational attraction of two masses, for another. Also, the growing comprehension of astronomy and the sub-atomic universe. That comprehension is still incomplete, and I’m surprised at how often this little fact is either forgotten or ignored.

Remember that it was scientists who were sure about the ether, and about the planetary model of the atom. It was the ancient scientists who informed obsolete, and unfortunate, cosmologies of the world being support by elephants, or held aloft by great stone pillars, and a puddle of water ready to stream from the firmament. Let us not forget that it was ancient science that gave us these cosmological myths, not the priests. The priests, tottering and doddering, did their best to support the respectable cosmogonies of the time.

But the scientists, the Dawkins and the Dennetts, and their sophisticated hangers-on like Christopher Hitchens, were the ones who filled in the blanks of science beyond the tradition of Scripture and the Fathers. That’s their job, I guess, but one should remember that their job is ongoing, incomplete.

In a hundred years, evolution will be shown to be as intellectually flatulent as "spontaneous generation," where rats were seen to be born from refuse, rotting in a corner.

In the litany of scientific achievements, I suppose one should throw in the discovery, or invention, of atomic fission. That, of course, is not a uniformly decent innovation.

I do not doubt this legacy of Frances Bacon and all his legatees. Why should I? I am truly thankful for all good science, despite the obvious failure, in my part, to count the achievement of Charles Darwin, who is buried with Newton in Westminster of all places. I might say, were I permitted to do so, even in ecclesiastical circles, that Darwinism just doesn’t make the empirical cut, but I have been roundly excoriated for bringing up such a crabby thing, so I won’t.

A good scientist says what he knows, and nothing more.

There are many who may be good scientists during the day, but at night they turn to religion. They turn to the gods of unintelligent design, to the gods of abysmal emptiness and nihilistic extrapolations of biological activity into ontology and ethics.

These good scientists, maybe, are not hesitant in the popular press to make metaphysical and religious pronouncements. They drone, censoriously, on the curse of old fashioned religion, and even look sentimentally toward that bright day when parents could be prosecuted for child abuse for having read Bible stories to their children.

I'm sure you don't believe me. Just read Dennett and Dawkins, if you will. And don't mind those people behind the curtain, who blather on about how respectable science pays no mind to fundamentalists like these. Right. That's what was said in Germany, l'entre deux guerres. "Let the technicians be our priests -- what do they know?"

Can you believe it? Can you simply, utterly, believe it, even with two pints of Guinness down your gullet, a minute before the Vogons clear off your planet to make way for a very nice concrete bypass? Engineered, of course, with high-speed embankments?

Isn’t it a lark, we bellow in a sodden tune, say, Anacreon in Heaven, as we sing with the lads in a little pub at the end of the universe?

The mice have really done it this time. The ones in their maze have really done an amazing thing. They’ve written books from their little trails, the poor buggers. They’ve cranked metaphysics out of their circuitous tracks and dead-ends.

And what’s more, you, by Jove, buy their adorable weeny books. Metaphysics from a laboratory for God’s sake.

No wonder the dolphins left. There was so very little decent conversation. But at least the fish was good, while it lasted.

Ford Prefect Speaks, Trilogy Part Six

Fourth Message

A Comedian's Advice for the Ecumenical Movement from Outer Space,
or, the real meaning of the phrase "Klaatu barada nikto"


There is only one basis for the Ecumenical Movement, that hope of those who believe in the possibility of the phrase, "That They May Be One."

Fordandarthur That basis lies not in sentimentality. Sentimentality makes for modern political parties, denominational conventions addressed by Sponge Bob Square Pants and even jihadists. But it does not make for Christian ecumenicity, because time wears away, like the wind and the wave, all stands built on the strand.

That basis, also, lies not in the Eucharist alone. For one thing, the Eucharist cannot be isolated from Divine Liturgy, nor can it be separated from the doctrine of the community. Here is, I suspect, a clear indication of the difference between "Holy Mystery" and "Sacrament." The latter has an independent objectivity about it, almost like a radical. The former is of a piece with ethos and theology. It is a sad thing, surely, and a feeble hope bound for disappointment: at least from the point of view of outer space, it seems that this idea of Eucharistic Ecumenicism looks upon the sacrament as a sort of talisman, like a platonic cube that gathers, inexorably, all things to itself. It is not. The Eucharist is not magic. It is the Body of Christ. It is the Presence of Person.

The basis of Christian Ecumenicity lies nowhere else, and in no other way, than in the continuing catholic consciousness of the church -- the contemporary presence of the Apostolic Tradition.

It will not be brought about by negotiation, or by the "setting aside until later" of difficult doctrinal matters, or by subjecting doctrinal differences to semantic obscurantism. It will not be brought about by jurisdictional unity. It will not be brought about by coalition building. We should all be nice, to be sure, and protest against totalitarianism and abortion. But let's not kid ourselves by thinking that we're building One Church.

It will come only as we pray, and become, "Thy Will be done on earth." It will come along with true righteousness and holiness in living. As a Visitor from Outer Space, just like Klaatu before me, I say this to the House of Peace that is so busy imitating the Rock'Em Sock'Em Robots: when you stop ripping your own people apart on both sides, right and left, then and only then will you get an American Patriarch. Then, and only then, will you ever proceed along the way of becoming One with the other lung.

It will come as we become obedient, while we work out our salvation with fear and trembling, pursuing ascesis, and receiving the charisms of the Mysteries.

It will come only as we pray, in orthodoxy (small cap's).

It will come, because everything that rises, after all, must converge.

Ford Prefect Speaks, Trilogy Part Five

Third Message, C:

The Schleiermacherian Azgothians

Fordprefectwithvogon Don’t you think that last post was tiresome? It’s getting a little fusty, don’t you think? this mildewed business of ranking on those poor liberals.

I mean, “Let’s face it, self, the NCC would be washed up were it not for the checkbooks of the fairy godmothers at the Knight, Tides, Ford and Rockefeller Foundations (amongst others). Give it a break already. Time is not on their side.”

Okay, okay. But just remember what I said about liberal christianity filling up the background noise, and providing the static snow on a dead TV. Or maybe elevator music is a better metonym (no, I don’t mean metaphor).

So what is a less frowzy critique?

Let me think. I know: Schleiermacher’s folk. Now there’s a mouthful. Say that name ten times.

Or how ‘bout the adjectival construction: “Schleiermacherian”? Boy, did that one ever summon that too frequent, infernal and squiggly red line on my word processor screen.

There is no doubt that Friederich was a great theologian of the protestant sort. That qualification is significant, since, in Orthodoxy, no one should ever call himself a “theologian,” or want to be called one, because it takes a few centuries to gain that title, and it is determined by nothing less than the “catholic consciousness” of the Church. John the Evangelist is a Theologian. Gregory Nazianzus is a Theologian. There is a New Theologian, to be sure: that would be Symeon, and he hails from the eleventh century.

That, by the way, is a good example of what "new" means in Orthodoxy.

Besides, anyone who would want to be a real Theologian would stick to real Theology. That is most definitely not true of Schleiermacher. It’s pretty clear that he was not too keen on explicating Apostolic Tradition to the modern world, as is expected of any Theologian of the Theological Sort. Rather, he proceeded along the lines of re-fashioning Christian dogma into something more palatable to “cultured despisers.”

I have found that the business of making old-fashioned things more pleasing to modern tastes always involves re-fashioning the old-fashioned into a different, new-fashioned thing. Modern tastes do not chew on old leftovers warmed over. They want new and fresh. That’s like the old saw, “you can’t put new wine into old wineskins.”

Schleiermacher is all about new and modern wine. His society (and ours) wanted experience but not so much truth. After all, humankind, in that old line, cannot bear very much reality. It really doesn’t matter what the substance is or the essence. Existence is the game and experience is the way to fame.

Friedrich set the philosophical (not theological) framework for all the ensuing Christian heterodox movements that focused on experience over truth. Before this there had been philosophical frameworks for earlier intellectual departures, to be sure. But Schleiermacher established, with the underpinnings of a fairly robust philosophy drawn from the heady stuff of romantic idealism, a religion that no longer needed truth.

Yes, I mean exactly that. God is no longer the center of religion. The center became, rather, the consciousness of God. The experience of God. The “feeling” of one’s need for God, but not necessarily the “feeling” of God Himself.

Rather than starting with an objective basis of religion in revelation, Schleiermacher began by postulating that religion, at its core, was subjective. The basis of all religious communions was a pious and subjective “feeling” of one’s complete dependence on God.

Some rather too-generous Orthodox and Catholic friendlies have noted in Schleiermacher a possible reference to the Eastern emphasis of the nous’ supra-cognitive and supra-linguistic experience of the Energy of the Trinity. That is way, way too generous, as I think my favorite crew over in Paris and England usually err in this direction (and I really mean favorite, no irony intended).

Schleiermacher does not at all mean a “feeling” or “experience” of God as the Church dogmatizes, as has been revealed by the Holy Trinity in the Apostolic Tradition of the Church. Not at all, because a romantic, experience-oriented society would never abide by so many hackneyed, hidebound strictures as are demanded by the dogma of Orthodoxy.

That would be like saying to Berlioz that there is nothing, nothing in his music that connotes the stuff of his programme without liner notes. That would also be like saying to Wagner that pride is still a sin, no matter how moving and cathartic is the death of the self-sacrificing hero.

Once God is dislodged from the center, and experience is put in His place, all kinds of things happen. One is the re-fashioning of salvation, of course. Sure, there is lip-service or fine-print paid to the idea of eschaton and heaven, and even the remission of sins: but these topics are nested in bookstores and tract racks. Salvation, as defined practically in the megachurch culture, is a lot more sexy than the fine print might allow. As one might expect from the delimitation of religion to the self-conscious, salvation is now articulated in terms of "self-liberation."

Self-liberation is the cognate for more immediate terms like "self-improvement," "self-help," "setting boundaries," "recovery from co-dependency," and (my favorite) "escape from people-pleasing." Some soap-boxers, on PowerPoint bullets underlined by laser highlighters, have gone so far as to finger "people pleasing" for the decay of "self" into becoming (horrors) "a mere shell of myself," with the result that they were no longer "instinctive, intuitive, spontaneous, creative, playful, vulnerable, unpretentious, joyous, free, spiritual, passionate, loving. . . ."

You will be interested, doubtlessly, to learn more of this foe of Cicero. Find it here, at a site which contends that there is not enough doctrine at megachurches to discern much heresy, but there is enough "psycho-heresy."

I have been a fan of Os Guinness' stuff ever since I read his weird book, The Gravedigger File -- a scary book, I might add, whose dark oracles have all come true. In another book, Prophetic Untimeliness: A Challenge to the Idol of Relevance, he identifies the following "four steps to end disastrously in unfaithfulness and irrelevance":

Something modern is assumed (step one). As a consequence, something traditional is abandoned (step two), and everything else is adapted (step three). The outcome is that what remains is not only adapted but absorbed by the modern assumptions. It is assimilated without any decisive remainder. The result is worldliness, or Christian capitulation to some aspect of the culture of its day (pp. 61-62).

When experience is assumed, God is abandoned, and everything else (like salvation, liturgy, and structure) is adapted (or caricatured). Church is body-snatched, and the mega-church has taken its place. QED.

Now I would never suggest that any of the mega-church ringmasters would knowingly or deliberately sidle up to Friedrich and buy him a drink and chat, over a Weizenbock, about their common ideologies. But they surely loved the idea that Christianity didn’t have to be all that dogmatic.

In fact, the ringmasters who work the crowds like Moody did, or Finney with his “new measures” and "anxiety meetings," would probably blow up if they read this blog, much like the Martians did when they heard the “Indian Love Call” by Slim Whitman.

But, I ask you, what would happen if Bill Hybels, next Sunday, decided to roll out a sermon on “Three Persons, One in Essence”? Or how about “Fully Human, Fully Divine”? Or “The Importance of Two Wills”?

Or this, “The Dogmatic Authority of the Apostolic Church: or, You Can’t Have Your Own Opinion”? Or, “There is Such a Disposition as Hell”?

Or how about "Uh-oh, John 6.66"? Or, simply, "Repent."

Don’t wait for Bill to answer, or for Pat Robertson, Chuck Swindoll, Jerry Falwell, Joel Osteen, Robert Tilton, and Robert Schuller to pony up. I’ll tell you what would happen. Attendance would decline, of course. The Board would get miffed. The body guards would get nervous. Less Lexus' (what is the plural of Lexus? Lexi?) lodged in the blasted acres of asphalt. Revenues would go down. The anointing would be kerplunkt.

The brass would say, “Bill, for God’s sake, tone it down. People don’t want all that head knowledge. Being a Christian is all about the heart. People want to feel upbeat, close to God. They want excitement, like they’re part of a big exciting thing. They want a shot in the arm. They want to be involved in an upswing.

“They’re like customers, Bill. We gotta give them what they want … I mean, what they need. Same difference.

“Bill, read Schleiermacher: he’ll show you the way.”

If you smell WalMart here, then you’ve whiffed the right scent. The Revivalists unwittingly unleashed WalMart into the Christian house, but the Church Growth people exploited the wandering spirit and perfected its useage: “it” is the importation of the marketing business model of finance capitalism into the ecclesiology of the Church, displacing every single remnant that might have survived the Reformation and Enlightenment.

The WalMart scam of “market-needs-analysis” is an ecclesiology (if it can be called that) that must militate against any dogma, and can only permit the implicit, below-the-surface Schleiermachian re-fashioning of Christianity into a pablum christianity that provides experience, but misses, utterly misses, the meaning.

The consequences are severe – more so than the relatively less-creepy Ritschlian brand of liberal christianity. One consequence is that most megachurchers consider themselves evangelical, and therefore conservative. They think they are going to Church, but they aren't.

They may sing “Jesus is Lord,” but do not know that He is so because He has trampled down death by death.

They may sing “Alleluia,” but they have not fasted from provocations, or feasted on the Eucharist.

They may swing to the praise band, but they blanch at the Jesus Prayer, because it makes them cough up the fact that they are still “sinners.”

They may sing “God Bless America,” but they cannot believe that God may have called the Republican Party to judgment, for squandering a conservative mandate, and embroiling a great country in the Tar Baby of an absurdist war.

They may await the Rapture, but they are utterly unprepared for any persecution, whether spiritual (which is always) or societal. They want the Rapture, because they already know they couldn’t take a real, full-bore Tribulation.

The Church of the Martyrs knows all about the Tribulation, whether the persecution is dealt by Classical Romans, or Liberal Arians, or Reformational Iconoclasts, or Arab Muslims or Turkish Muslims or Scientological Fascists. Such a Church catechizes simply to raise up Martyrs or Saints, as all Christians are meant to be.

Of course, this takes Dogma, Asceticism and the Charisms of Sacrament. My Church is teaching dogma. But there are empty pews. And there are faithful parents and grandparents who look at the Willow Creeks and the disco temples longingly, because their children go there if nowhere else (which is more usual).

Maybe some of the reason for empty pews and lazy youth is because we have a lot of rough edges, and we don’t make things easy. Our services are long, repetitive and arcane. God knows that we disobey most, if not all, the Church Growth rules of C. Peter Wagner and Carl George (we would be at 100% non-compliance if we still retained the “Catechumens Depart!” statement).

But more of the reason for the empty pews in the Apostolic Church is due to the Big Show going on down the street, out by the McMansions of the fin de siècle nouveau riche who meditate on portfolios while leeching the land.

There, in the theatrical productions, the huggings and laughter, the skits and widescreens, you can feel better, in a foggy sort of way, without the self-denial required of Christian belief.

And in a feel-better age, that factor will make all the difference in the Philistine census. At least for a while.

Ford Prefect Speaks, Trilogy Part Four

Third Message, B:

The Ritschlian NCC Azgothians

Fordprefectwig Some people worry that liberal christianity is a thing of the past. Many academics wring their hands, mourning that this sole acceptable form of Christianity is being extinguished by the hegemony (that word has been used, mind you) of a vast conspiracy of conservatives, traditionalists, fundamentalists, and “restorationists.”

They have nothing to worry about. Liberal christianity is so large that it is no longer discernable as a group, because it is that ubiquitous. It is almost like a fish being unaware of the water. Liberal christianity is the default religion of the west: never mind the crappy church attendance in Europe, or the execrable level of religious affiliation of most American academics. Practical atheism is all part of liberal christianity: it is even encouraged.

Albrecht Ritschl “renovated” Christianity even more completely than did Schleiermacher, for the sake of their poor friends, the “cultured despisers of Christianity.” These were the people who could not, just could not, bring themselves to believe in Creation, or Salvation, or (God -- or whatever -- forbid) Sanctification. So Albrecht accommodated the querulous educated salon by removing, à la Jefferson’s “reasonable” gospel, all the seedy, outmoded elements. What was left, after a process oddly like deconstruction, was a text shorn of its laborious layers of superstition and Hellenic nonsense: liberal christianity was born as a culturally palatable religion that redefined religious knowledge as a subjective and personal theism, consisting of the making of ethical judgments.

No more obedience to transcendent authority. No more acknowledgment of anyone wiser than Dawkins, Dennett and Hitchens. No more deference to the democracy of the dead.

Dogma is thus reduced to ethics. Even in the Eastern and Roman Church, there have been found committees (that strange vestibular concoction that is made just for the manufacture of modern ethics) who are doing the hamster-paddle of processing position papers, study guides and news releases.

The reduction switch is hit again: this time, ethics is rendered down, like dead horses, into political advocacy and jello.

The Azgothians, who subscribe to the Internet for a never-ending supply of poetry to suit their taste, are particularly fond of the product of the dizzy array of social and moral issues committees who are all rooted in the firm tradition of liberal christianity. Nowhere can you find a better motherlode for committee work like this than the National Council of Churches.

From the Executive Summary of Strange Yokefellows, the NCC was found to express these concerns in its public statements:

1. Immigration (in favor of a more liberal U.S. policy)
2. Campaign finance and lobbying (in favor of stricter federal regulations)
3. War in Iraq (against U.S. involvement)
4. Biotechnology (position ambiguous)
5. President Bush's State of the Union address (harshly critical)
6. Federal budget (opposed to Bush administration and congressional Republican proposals)
7. The United Nations' Millennium Development Goals (in favor)
8. Gulf Coast post-hurricane reconstruction (critical of the Bush administration)
9. Toxic chemicals in the environment (in favor of stricter federal regulation)
10. U.S. facility at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba, for detaining terrorism suspects (in favor of closing the facility)
11. Civil rights (in favor of affirmative action and other government initiatives to enforce racial and gender equality)
12. Darfur (in favor of more international pressure to stop the genocide there)
13. Teaching of evolution or alternative views in public schools (in favor of teaching evolution, opposed to teaching "intelligent design")
14. Minimum wage (in favor of a large increase)
15. No Child Left Behind Act (critical of federal and state implementation of the act, and skeptical of the act itself)
16. Allegations of systematic U.S. torture of detained terrorism suspects (lending credence to the allegations and favoring an end to all such practices)
17. Public education (defending the system against those who say it conflicts with Christian faith)
18. Restrictions on travel to and trade with Cuba (opposed)
19. HIV/AIDS (in favor of increased government efforts to prevent and treat the disease)
20. The war in southern Lebanon and northern Israel (in favor of an immediate cease-fire)
21. Hunger (in favor of larger government entitlement programs and trade policy changes to alleviate the problem)
22. Global warming (in favor of new government regulations on carbon dioxide emissions)
23. North Korean nuclear weapons (in favor of negotiations, without any threats of military force, as the way to stop nuclear proliferation)

Mind you, I am sympathetic with a near majority of these “concerns,” especially the twelfth. But look high and low in the NCC for any creedal statement. Is there any Trinitarian expression? Is there any affirmation of Jesus Christ as the Second Person of the Trinity?

No. There couldn’t be. If you’ve got Swedenborgians and the nebulous UCC paying dues, you can’t be Trinitarian, or Incarnational, or even dogmatic at all.

(I take that back: you can be, in the NCC, dogmatic about homophobia, patriarchalism, colonialism, and intelligent design. It's okay to have strong positions about those bad, bad things. It probably means that you were hurt, at one time, by those mean people. You just need time to process these commensurate feelings on the way to coming out.)

In liberal christianity (which will remain in small cap’s, in the style of e. e. cummings, who regularly does Azgothian seminars for the NCC), ethics has replaced dogma. Consciousness has replaced sacrament. Fellowship has replaced authority. “Position statements” have replaced the Canons, whether Apostolic or Conciliar.

Hugging has replaced liturgy.

There is no need for obedience anymore. Let’s face it: I am often frightened by my reading of the Pedalion. But I only get warm fuzzies, albeit with the hazy headache of a beery stupefaction, from reading anything from the NCC, or their clones who are hard at work everywhere, even in – ahem – Orthodox circles.

Liberal christianity is the gravitational mass toward which all Protestantism tends. This one fact helps explain the sad history of conservative denominations tending, over time, toward liberalism. Look at the Presbyterians. Look at the Methodists. Even the Evangelicals are getting inclusive in language, and anti-patriarchal in ChurchSpeak.

Thus, it makes no sense for Orthodox or Latin committees to ape these practices, as they are only mimicking an order that is lurching toward dissolution. (One wonders if committees with banners like, say, "Social and Moral Issues" will ever attain the existential courage of SK's famous typo.)

Liberal christianity is “co-terminous” with western culture. It is not a mere constituent religion: its ethical form of enthusiastic fellowship-seekers, promising and experiencing group identification and mutual ethical commitment is the default ethos and culture of the Enlightened West. It permits, within itself, a plethora of metaphysical statements, for it eschews anything normative in this regard. Islam, Kabbala, the New Age, Wicca, the Golden Dawn, Voodoo, Animism, Shintoism all have a home under the roof of liberal christianity: they are all fellow travelers.

There is no “doctrinaire” metaphysic in liberal christianity. That is why the Trinity can be “re-stated” in the form of “Mother, Child and Lover” (for the more daring, and honest), or the more pedestrian “Creator, Redeemer and Sanctifier.” That is also why the Trinity may simply be discarded in belief, and replaced by an ambiguous theism that is exhausted by the term “Higher Power.”

Accordingly, mere ethics -- as isolated from Apostolic Dogma -- has no power to change behavior:

Teenagers will read “safe sex” statements and promptly burrow like bunnies under the covers, delirious in self-expression and liberation from fundamentalist and homophobic strictures.

The Ford Foundation will actually fund the NCC and go “ooh and ahh” over its environmental “positions,” and continue to mottle the atmosphere with gas.

Islamicists will rejoice over the hand-wringings of the sophisticated and the cultured, who rail at Israel but are convinced that al Qaeda is mean only because it is oppressed.

Environmentalists will find in the NCC a bosom buddy in the fight against those dastardly Creationists, who, like Shiva, are the destroyer of all liberal worlds: but it is the doctrine of Creation alone that will save Creation.

Ethics are like good intentions: that is, good only for infernal pavement. Morals come not from the study of social issues and moral concerns, produced by committees in their never-ending war against the English language. Morals come not from the study of ethics.

For one thing, morals come from good company, like that of the saints. Morals come from that scary pariah-term "conscience," which itself is predicated upon obedience to authority and faith in Jesus Christ. Morals come from the Holy Spirit, Who works to transform man, one by one and assent by assent, into the divine.

Liberal christianity, suffice to say, will have none of this. The Sponsors want only ethics, not morals. Morals will only obstruct the infernal agenda. On the other hand, ethics are, as every agent knows, eminently modifiable.

Ask any of Hitler’s scientists. Ask Oppenheimer. Ask the once pro-lifer, Bill Clinton. Oh, and while you’re at it, ask that great Azgothian poet Jimmy Carter. He writes poems too, and some of them bad as mine.

Ford Prefect Speaks, Trilogy Part Three

Third Message, A

Fordprefectanotherdozer Beware, too, the Azgoths of Kria, whose bad poetry is now being passed off as mainline theology. You know, where reality is transmogrified into psychotic metaphor and corn-god agricultural ritual … where dogma of Trinity and Incarnation are exchanged for liberation, consciousness-raising, and ethics. Be aware that the Azgoths are particularly fond of Ethics, since they are allergic to Canon.

According to Ford Prefect, and his secular Guide, the very worst poem in the Galaxy was written right on this here Earth, in English, and not so very long ago. The poet was Paul Neil Milne Johnstone, and the poem goes like this:

The dead swans lay in the stagnant pool.
They lay. They rotted. They turned
Around occasionally.
Bits of flesh dropped off them from
Time to time.
And sank into the pool's mire.
They also smelt a great deal.*

The worst poets, as a group, are the Azgoths of Kria. The poetmaster of the Azgoths was an entity known as Grunthos the Flatulent. The secular Guide remarks that during a reading of his poem Ode To A Small Lump Of Green Putty I Found In My Armpit One Midsummer Morning, "four of the audience died of internal hemorrhaging.”

I shall, with some patience from Douglas Adams’ people, relate an excerpt of this not entirely free verse:

Putty. Putty. Putty.
Green Putty - Grutty Peen.
Grarmpitutty - Morning!
Pridsummer - Grorning Utty!
Discovery..... Oh.
Putty?..... Armpit?
Armpit..... Putty.
Not even a particularly
Nice shade of green.

Please note the globulous metaphor for self-consciousness. It sure is a dead giveaway for the contemporary presence of the Azgoths, disguised as liberal Christianity.

For long, I turned a dyspeptic mauve, probably plaid-wise, when I read (or attempted to read) the works of Bishop J. A. T. Robinson, Bishop Shelby Spong, Thomas J. J. Altizer, Bultmann, Ritschl, Harnack, and (lest we forget) Schleiermacher. But now I feel better about these guys, because it seems to me that they were only writing bad poetry, in the Azgothian way.

Bad poetry happens when metaphysics is discarded for self-consciousness (and its adjunct, modern ethics). And the best way to discard metaphysics is to run, like Jonah, from the Trinity and to rhapsodize about the whale and its whiteness.

It is helpful here to draw a distinction between bad poetry and bad verse. There are many good people and Christian who write bad verse. Bad verse can rhyme (and often does), and it can follow, slavishly, various regimes of rhythm and structure. The greeting card industry proves, in a zillion bleeding-hearted avatars this February, that rhyme is not averse to the writing of bad verse.

Bad poetry, however, is not usually trucked out in bad verse. That would be like the devil stepping out and looking, well, like the devil. That would not suit him at all.

At times, bad poetry can even be sung out in rather good verse. Shelley and Swinburne come, unbidden, immediately to mind.

Bad poetry happens when the appearances are lied about, or at least misrepresented. There are many bad poets in the Eighth Malebolge, the trench of the counselors, or maybe further down in the Tenth, where the falsifiers waste away in buboes. The sores are returned to them, an inheritance of the full measure of the memes of fantasia they set loose, like Pandora, in their monographs, their festschriften, their journals, their award-winning plays and novels and  workshops at the MLA.

When the appearances – i.e., perceptions of reality – are isolated from their metaphysical roots, and when the logoi or principles of things are intentionally ignored, they are lied about most profoundly. And the greatest lie that God is only immanent and not transcendent, if He is at all … that He is noumenal (as in Kant’s vocabulary) and thus cannot be called upon as Personal and Trinitarian, or as Father, with Son and Spirit, as Holy Tradition recommends … that Jesus Christ is not One and the Same Historic Jesus and Mystic Christ, the Trinitarian Person Who fashions, inhabits and choreographs His own Creation … this greatest lie is even worse than other, more honest religions of other gods, because this lie consists of a rejection of revelation.

That rejection, in thrall of self-consciousness, is at the base of bad poetry, and under its rubric there may obtain intellectual brilliancies and academic virtuosi, but under all the degrees and bibliographies, there lurks the psychic sepsis of insanity.

Azgothian bad poetry will, as we saw poor Arthur Dent writhe in the secular Guide, make you go nuts.

Next post: how the Azgothian legacy split into Ritschlian NCC liberalism, as expected, and into another surprising, shocking form of liberal Christianity – the Schleiermachian Megachurch movement (a rejection of Orthodox ecclesiology).

(*The relative legitimacy of this poem is proportionate to the ascendancy of liberal christianity in world culture.)

Ford Prefect Speaks Trilogy, Part Two

Second Message

Fordprefectcastaway Beware the message of the Golgafrinchams, errrr, ahem, the people who would like to de-capitalize the first letter of Orthodoxy. They want only five centuries, a deconstructed text, and the lowest common denominator.

With all this talk of “small o orthodoxy” clogging up cyberspace and the printed text, now even conservative Protestants are singing “Hail, hail the gang’s all here.” I like the rest of the song, because it’s so very apropos.

A gang of good fellows are we, (are we,)
Are we, (are we,) are we, (are we,)
With never a worry you see, (you see,)
You see, (you see,) you see, (you see,)
We laugh and joke, we sing and smoke,
And live life merrily;
No matter the weather
When we get together
We have a jubilee.

Hail, hail, the gang's all here,
We're a bunch of live ones, not a single dead one;
Hail, hail, the gang's all here,
Sure I'm glad that I'm here, too!

We love one another we do, (we do,)
We do, (we do,) we do, (we do,)
With brotherly love and it's true, (it's true,)
It's true, (it's true,) it's true, (it's true,)
It's one for all, the big and small,
It's always me for you;
No matter the weather
When we get together
We drink a toast for two.

Mind you, if that last line is still a bit problematic, use Welch’s instead.

Professor Bradley Nassif, writing over at Christianity Today of all places (my how times have changed), has done us all an inestimable service. He is pretty sanguine about his association with the evangelicals (so am I, but I have blood ties). He thinks that their dormant orthodoxy will bloom into affiliation with the Orthodoxy of the capital O.

What is the small “o”?

Professor Nassif sums up Thomas Oden (who must feel really lonely at Drew), who offers “six layers of evidence” that reveal a “rekindling” of the orthodoxy of the Great Tradition – that is, of those first palatable 500 years. Here are the strata:

(1) “Personal transformation stories” of surprising people who became Orthodox or Latin.

(2) “Faithful scriptural interpretation,” as opposed to the Wellhausen and Bultmann dreck the rest of us unfortunates had to put up with in twentieth century American seminaries.

(3) “The multicultural nature of orthodoxy.” I’m not sure whether this is a nod to the Orthodox anthropology of the single restored human nature (e.g., “in Christ there is neither Jew nor Greek”), or, what I suspect, a Plain of Dura reverence to egalitarianism.

(4) “Well-established doctrinal boundaries.” For many of the evangelicals and Arminians, this is really the case, and for this I am truly glad. But for Calvinists to “fortify their doctrinal boundaries” means that they are amplifying their essential raison d'être of protestation, and reinforcing their rootedness in calvinology, as opposed to theology. That cannot make anyone glad: but (sigh), Insha'Allah, it’s meant to be.

(5) “Ecumenical roots reclaimed. Confessing and renewing movements in Protestantism are changing local congregations and even entire denominations.” I think Oden here is referring to the heroic work of the IRD, who are struggling like Leonidas against the Immortals. We all know how that turned out. He may be referring, as well, to that latest of Chicago smorgasbord symposia: “A Call to an Ancient Evangelical Future.” Touchstone, as expected, did a nice job of setting down Mssrs. Webber, Kenyon, Boersma, Snyder, Vanhoozer and Williams in the principal’s office.

(6) “Rise of a new ecumenism. Actually, what we're seeing is a revival of the ancient ecumenical method of theological decision-making set forth by Vincent Lerins: ‘We hold to that which has been believed everywhere, always, and by all.’ Laypeople can easily grasp this, and they are doing so.”

Wow. I mean, wow. Do Oden and Nassif really think so? I’m all for laypeople grasping things, as I try to do this myself on occasion. Even here it seems that “grasping” verges on malapropism: who, or what, should be doing the grasping?

But more to the point: the canon of St. Vincent of Lerins is really not all that helpful in the task of outlining “orthodoxy.” The “by all” condition has never been achieved, and certainly not in the first five centuries of which Oden and Nassif are so fond. These centuries, let us remember, housed the Gnostics, the Arians, the Nestorians and the Monophysites. In particular, and especially contrary to Oden’s privileged notion of consensus, there was a time when the Arians significantly outnumbered the Orthodox. We Trinitarians were abjectly languishing in minority status – a status we would do well to understand better.

Surely, Nassif, at least, appreciates the profound insufficiency of the Vincentian canon. The real “Canon” of inclusion has to do with the acceptance of the whole “catholic consciousness” of the Apostolic Tradition. This includes Scripture and the first five centuries, to be sure. But even during those five centuries, especially in the first three, there was the unwritten apostolic (and secret!) teaching of the Liturgy, the Eucharist, the Baptismal rite, the cult of the Theotokos and the Saints.

This unwritten Apostolic Tradition, so offensive to the sensibility of sola scriptura, is the very content that Protestants, especially Evangelicals, would like to avoid. But they really cannot. Even the most minimalistic of them must accept that the doctrines of the Trinity and the Holy Spirit are not supported by evidence drawn from a sola scriptura regimen. These doctrines were clarified and established as dogma by the very unwritten part of Tradition that these “Golgafrinchams” do not want to accept.

And yet, they end up accepting, by necessity, the authority of the whole tradition, not just the “Great” Tradition, or the “first five centuries” Tradition, or the “whichever and whatever of the Councils are palatable to our current thinking” Tradition. The whole tradition of the Eucharistic, Sacramental, Hierarchical, Liturgical, Cultic and Mysterious Single Apostolic Church and Mystical Body of Christ is accepted every time a fundamentalist opens his King James Version (a version, btw, which I am coming to favor all the more, as I approach my dotage).

Bob Jones Jr. (or is it III, or IV?), Jack Hiles (the busing king), Jerry Falwell (what did he do with Heritage USA?) and Pat Robertson (who called for a contract on Chavez) can only do their schtick out of an unacknowledged debt to the Orthodox Fathers.

I admire Thomas Oden, and I am indebted to him for his really cool commentaries and his tragically out-of-print patristic catena on pastoral counseling. But he seems to want a “small o” orthodoxy without the “big O” that includes sacrament, hierarchy, and apostolic succession. He is quick to insist that the patristic legacy belongs to one and all, as if he were anticipating some cranky Orthodox or Latin blogger waggling a wizened finger and muttering, “The Fathers belong to us: you’re not allowed to quote them!”

Well, no, that’s just cranky and weird (a condition that comes from reading too many Elders, and too few Fathers). Everyone is permitted to quote the Fathers. Even Calvin can quote St. Cyprian, which he does more than once, with that great bon mot, “One cannot have God as his Father without having the Church as his Mother.”

Calvin and everyone in the Protestant continuum can quote Cyprian and the Fathers till kingdom comes and the cow comes home. But they cannot escape the moral obligation that comes due from the truth that these quotations, and these doctrines which are selected out of convenience, are all derived from a single phenomenon, an unbreakable mosaic that was articulated out of the noetic experience of ecclesial deification.

Thomas Oden’s “orthodoxy” (smaller case) is made possible by the whole (i.e., the "catholicity") of Orthodoxy – Scripture and Sacrament, Dogma and Authority, Charisma and Asceticism -- and nothing less.

Oden’s theory, here, implies that Orthodoxy is only one of a number of possible patristic legatees: the unavoidable implication to be drawn then is that Orthodoxy is only a denomination. (That particular appellation has already been stuck, like a sticky conventioneer name tag, upon the Orthodox Church as a result of some jurisdictions’ membership in the NCC -- I believe "member denomination" is the wondrous fair heading we find ourselves schlocked under ... the poor Syrians and Serbs find themselves cootie-stuck next to the Swedenborgians.)

To denominationalize the Orthodox Church is to engage in some serious anachronistic distortion. Orthodoxy is not a product of the current hyper-schismatic post-Christendom culture: it is the locus of the ongoing presence of Holy Tradition in its fullness. Excepting the Latins, every other Christian movement is derivative at best.

I think Bradley Nassif might agree. He seems to do so in his commendation of Scripture and “Continuity” to the Evangelicals as “Things that Might Attract Them to Orthodoxy in the 21st Century.”

But then Nassif, in a rhetorical attempt at courteous symmetry, lapses into the old saw of pointing out to the neo-revivalists that we Orthodox have much to learn from them. In this context, Nassif rightly draws attention to the shortcomings of how we Orthodox succeed at “letting our light so shine before men.”

Well, he’s right. We are just as guilty of damnable nonchalance with our stupid syllogism (i.e., “I was baptized, ergo I got a ticket to ride”) as are the Eternal Securitists with their own insane syllogistic mantra (i.e., “I prayed the sinner’s prayer, ergo I will get beamed up in the Rapture”). We attend Liturgy, but we quickly assure our friends that we are not so fanatic as “those fundamentalists” by our indistinct lifestyle.

Yes, yes, yes. All this is true. There are many of us who either do not know the Faith well enough, or do not practice it well enough (and I am one of both parties).

Nassif underscores this "immaturity," to wit:

More and more Orthodox, as they study the Great Tradition, are admitting that our leaders and laity don't have a mature grasp of their own faith. They recognize that the church isn't free from ethnocentrism or religious bigotry, that it hasn't contextualized its faith and liturgy in the modern world, and that it hasn't figured out how to relate to unchurched people in North America (its converts consist mostly of disillusioned believers from other Christian traditions). More and more Orthodox, as they explore the early church afresh, see that there are parts of its ancient liturgies that seem to have no biblical justification and that we cannot simply regard the Reformation and the last millennium in the West as nothing more than a sideshow.

I agree with the line about our befuddlement over relating to the unchurched. And in this, perhaps the Evangelicals can help us.

I’m not sure what Nassif means by “parts of its ancient liturgies that seem to have no biblical justification.” Hmmmm. Which parts are non-biblical? Despite the richness of Scripture quotations in the Liturgies and Services, the Holy Writ is not the only source of liturgical substance. There is also the unwritten teaching of the Apostles. This source, I bet, accounts for those troubling parts of the Liturgy that offend “small o” sensibilities, like the dismissal of catechumens … like the prayers to the Theotokos and the Saints … like the Epiclesis itself: try as you like, you will not find “Thine Own of Thine Own, in Behalf of All and for All” anywhere in the Bible. Neither will you find crucial words like “Trinity” or “consubstantial.”

Nassif is right. We could do a lot to make ourselves in Orthodoxy more amenable to the Great Traditionalists. We could pare down our legacy from the Apostles to the tolerance levels of Oden and the “Ancient Future” project. More people will attend and inflate our numbers: as the voice in the cornfield once said, “If you deconstruct it, they will come.” We might even be able to call this whole century “Orthodox.”

I consider the Reformation a tragedy, not a sideshow. And the last millennium contains St. Gregory Palamas, so I wouldn’t discount that era either. No one would.

But I don’t think that is what Nassif meant. He is suggesting, I’m sure, that there are some innovations in the Western experience that Orthodoxy ought to assimilate. Would these innovations include a less patriarchal governance? Public (and therefore secret) confession of sins? Shorter services? Pedestrian language? Better lighting? Less smoke?

Those of you familiar with this site know fully well that I am more than friendly to the conservative ecumenical movement exemplified by Touchstone and First Things. You also know that I am no fan of other ecumenical movements on the dark side, like the NCC and the WCC and most civic ministeriums.

In other words, I reserve the greatest sympathy, and profound respect, for “small o” people like Oden and Webber. I truly love all Golgafrinchams.

But I am not content to let them remain Golgafrincham, and not fully what they ought to be.

Ford Prefect Speaks Trilogy Part One

First Message

Fordprefectbulldozer Love your neighborhood Muslim, and the one around the world. The Muslims are not the Vogons. They would like to be, undoubtedly, what with all that shariah business and the imamic eructation of fatwa’s and the Ouija search for the Hidden Imam, along with rumors promulgated by spooky people (who preface their PowerPoint oracles with “I shouldn’t be telling you this”) of arms caches squirreled away in mosques from Baghdad to Toledo (Ohio, that is).

Nope. They can be truculent, surely, and historically they like to beat up on Christians and Jews. I, for one, do not feel complimented in the least when classified under the rubric “People of the Book” (which I would be if I were in any number of European, even English, communities right now). I can just imagine it: “You, khalil, are now a People of the Book! Rejoice in your good fortune!” “Uhhh, thanks all the same, but I’d rather not. Just let me play Scrabble.”

But the Muslims are neither Vogon, Sauron, or the Dark Side Emperor. They are only people, with an essentially good nature (as all created things must be), but their ends have been perverted by spite, and their hearts by centuries of blaspheming the Incarnation.

They are also something else. They have become an Actor on the historic stage. They have auditioned for, and have been cast as, a Character force in the script for Heilsgeschicte. They are what the Assyrians used to be. Israel, the Old Church, found out that there is no fighting the Assyrians, as these “total war” (Napoleon was not the first!) people were the scourge against sin. The only way to fend off the Assyrians were repentance, humility, piety, and obedience to the Trinitarian Will of Love.

Which is, after all, a lot harder than war.

The Muslims are the Assyrians for the West in Act II of Salvation History.

But, as the song says, Love the Muslims you’re with, anyways. Do this, despite their being Assyrian. And pay no heed to the ones who say that “Assyria means Peace.” No one listens to these liberal imams, who might even believe what they are saying. They’re like our own liberal imams.

And something else: while you already know that Orthodox Christians do not sign up for Crusades (which almost always take the Constantinople detour), beware, very ware, of what goes on under the cover of Islamophobia. Somehow, someone is benefiting. Watch the money.

Ford Prefect Speaks

Fordprefect Despite his nearly certain status of non-existence, some notes of Ford Prefect were transcribed in a fit of automatic writing.

Apparently, these notes are meant for people who are not surprised that a computer would come up with forty two when it multiplies six by nine.

What I’ll do here is to list them in this post, and ensuing posts will suggest illuminating commentary.

First off, in his Orthodox Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galactic Future: Love your neighborhood Muslim, and even the one around the world. The Muslims are not the Vogons.

Second off: Beware the message of the Golgafrinchams, errrr, ahem, the people who would like to de-capitalize the first letter of Orthodoxy. They want only five centuries, a deconstructed text, and the lowest common denominator.

Third: Beware, too, the Azgoths of Kria, whose bad poetry is now being passed off as mainline theology. You know, where reality is transmogrified into psychotic metaphor and corn-god agricultural ritual … where dogma of Trinity and Incarnation are exchanged for liberation, consciousness-raising, and ethics. Be aware that the Azgoths are particularly fond of Ethics, since they are allergic to Canon.

Fourth: Watch out for the mice. Their pets --Dawkins, Dennett and other biologians – are doing a-maze-ing things in the lab. Love them, too. Feed them.

Well, that’s cryptic, no? Just like the last Scrabble scene. So stay tuned.

A Litany for Feline Consciousness and Liberation

Moderator: We did not like the exclusivity of dogma, so we generalized doctrine into sociological affirmations.

Response: There you go. (i.e., instead of trite, hidebound expressions like "Lord have mercy" or "Amen")

M: We did not like the complexity of doctrine, so we simplified theology into consensus statements.

R: There you go.

M: We voted on creeds, and demystified them into declarations.

R: There you go.

M: We pounced on rumors of war and the opportunity of terrorists, and denounced all belief as fundamentalist.

R: There you go.

M: We ordained lab technicians for augury and bohemians for prophecy, and thereby exorcised ourselves of the ghost of ages.

R: There you go.

M: We could not take our dogma writ on stone, descending from the mountain.

R: There you go.

M: We elected, in the place of commandment, foam and consultation, theological commissioners and the least common denominator of Jacobin cliché.

R: There you go.

M: We replaced morality with ethics, doctrine with sentiment, apocalypse with politics, just so we are not troubled by the abyss.

R: There you go. 

M: We were offended by the idea of man and the message of God, so we believed in cats instead.

R: There you go.

M: Ow.

Punishment

Overheard, in the Yorkshire Lounge:

Q: How are Aphrodite and Smokey similar?

A: The clothes they are barely wearing.

Cats and bioethics

Q: Why do cats like ethics so much, especially bioethics?

A: There are 3 answers to this question:

  1. Because ethics is the opiate of the feline masses, as it helps the whiskered intellectuals avoid the migraines of theology.
  2. Because ethics enables feline scientists to sit on feline religious commissions.
  3. Because ethics permits the departure of professionalism from spirituality, a possibility of which cats are particularly fond.

Feline Misanthropism, Overthrown

Q:   What is the single most damning refutation of the feline argument against the existence of man?

A:   The discovery of the dark background on the reverse side of the mirror.

Psychotherapy

Q:  Why are most cats, who are secularists, in psychotherapy?

A:  Because they do not want to go to church.

Materialism

Q:   Why are cats materialists?

A:   Because, in their fear of the Outside, they have found it more comforting to disbelieve anything metaphysical, especially God. Some cats, however, cannot avoid thinking about the Outside. Of these, some despair. Others take the more acceptable feline path of catnip addiction. Most cats agree that the only survivable mystical path is belief in God and His reflection in the existence of humans. But it is better, these same cats propose, not to admit the metaphysical at all. Nihilism and catnip are generally always preferred to religion.

Atheism

Q:   What is the main reason why so many cats refuse to believe in God?

A:   Because belief in God would make necessary a corollary belief in humans, and we wouldn't want that, would we?

Evolution

Q:   Do cats believe in Intelligent Design?

A:   No. Remember that they are cats, after all, and natural selection seems -- to them -- to have worked rather well.

Feline Epistemology

Q:   What is the main problem in the epistemology of cats?

A:   Many cats do not believe in humans. This has affected their ethics. It has also seriously disabled their ability to perceive humans. And this one thing explains much of their relationship with dogs, who are, without exception, committed humanists.

Nietzsche

Q:   What does my Yorkie, the dog Oliver, read to purify himself after reading Nietzsche's Cat and Uber-Cat?

A:   Not Maritain. Not Gilson. Not even Chesterton (although he enjoys GK immensely). No, the thing to answer Nietzsche categorically is P. G. Wodehouse.

Jeeves_and_woosterHat tip to Joseph Bottum's plum article in First Things, for the suggestion of Wodehouse to play David to Nietzsche as Goliath.

Well, maybe not Goliath. He hugged a horse in his last sane moment, saying something like "Sing a new song! The world is transformed!"

Deconstructionism

DerridaQ:  How does a post-modern cat, committed to the deconstructionist project of Derrida, say "Amen"?

A:  Whatever.

Skepticism

Q:   What is the difference between cats and David Hume?

A:   David Hume had to think long and hard at what, for cats, comes off the cuff.

Existentialism

Q:   What is the indication that cats are existentialists?

A:   Me ... Ow ...