Cathouse replacement of the New Testament and the new grammar imperative

This just in:

The Catastrophic Commission on Liturgical Renewal and Linguistic Reparation has approved, with the able assistance of the gents at the EU, the following replacement of the Book of the Acts of the Apostles.

The development of the productive forces brought about by the ever more scientific and socially open sensitivity to solidarity has prepared the way for a new revised plan of action for closer union with faith communities, whose launch is an imperative necessity.*

Please remove the current text that occupies the current place in the looseleaf "(un)Repaired 'ur'-(t)ext" (i.e., "Acts" (sic, as "act" is a non-gender-neutral term)), and replace it with the aforesaid text.

The New Grammar Imperative

The Catastrophic Commission draws attention to the advantages of the new, replacement text over the old patriarchal text, which is suspected of latent racism, xenophobia, and refusal to enter into solidarity with the metropolitan project. The textual advantages, which should be adopted as the new grammar imperative, are as follows:

1. the use of nominalizations instead of direct verbs (e.g., "development" instead of "to develop")
2. the lack of indexicals or identifiers (e.g., the elimination of "I," "we," "here" and "now")
3. the utilization of sophisticated comparisons rather than concrete reference (e.g., "ever more scientific and socially open")
4. the complexification (i.e., "hiding") of all concrete action within the ambiguity of the passive voice (e.g., "brought about by")
5. the rendering of tone into an imperative (e.g., the launch is an "imperative necessity")
6. the addressing of the passage (i.e., "narrative") to no one in particular, and therefore to everyone in general

Wherever this grammar is used, especially in religious circles, the work of the Catastrophic Commission is advanced!

(wild applause of littered paws)

Additional note from the Liturgical Music/Powerpoint Committee: the use of liturgical dance and cymbals is strongly encouraged to ritually frame this text.

*freely adapted from a European Union text, analyzed by Françoise Thom in La langue de bois, as cited in Scruton's Political Philosophy.